Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gunsmokexxx's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
2:25 am	wtf. holy crap. i miss this thing. wth. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
9:58 am	WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. This world today makes me angry and frustrated. What the fuck is it coming to? It is so damaged and raw. Full of hate & WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. We turn our backs on the children of the world. Let the media encourage us and our sins. Ignorance is not bliss. It is a flaw far from beautiful. WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. We only recognize people's differences. We label and discriminate against them. Freedom of speech Is that what we call this? I call it fucking arrogance. DISCRIMINATION. WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. Generation after generation this world faces more poverty. Children are dying from starvation and from being overworked. BUT these are not our children. So why, pity. Right? WRONG. They are not dirt. They are human. Poverty should be treated like a tragedy. Not a human condition that we can do nothing about. WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. rape. violence. and racism. expect it. drug abuse. child abuse. And you wonder why kids are bringing guns to school? We are all children of war, pain and suffering. We see it everyday on the news in the movies. THIS IS REAL. AIDS has become more than a sexually transmitted disease. fact: "every minute a CHILD dies from AIDS". We are black, white, brown, yellow. but we are also the human race. not some fucking label. We all have the freedom of speech. We all have the freedom to make a difference no matter the colour of our skin or the amount of money we make or our sexuality or our religion. SO why not speak up for the children and women who can not? Don't wear some stupid message. DON'T BE IGNORANT. STOP POVERTY STOP VIOLENCE STOP RACISM AND PREJUDICE STOP AIDS/HIV STOP RAPE MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I DARE YOU. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
10:30 pm	rainy days make me feel more at home. no. i am just lonely. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 21st, 2006
1:40 pm	why do people let such little things ruin such pleasent days? mostly i'm a hypocrite.   but i swear to god. people are so fucking whacked these days.   i don't know what i am talking about i just read an article about global warming and how it's become more severe these past years.  i love polar bears. i don't want them to go extinct.   LET'S SAVE THE POLAR BEARS. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
5:31 am	I'm so stupid. I should have know. I should have said, " Ashleigh, he's no different" but I'm foolish and niave and I'm always late at learning the hardest lessons. Summer is  going to be time for me to figure out who I am and what it  is I want out of life. I don't want no new homies, fuck buddies, soul mate, summer fling. Nothing. The story of my life:   My heart is not your fucking pinata or your hacky sack. You can't just fucking kick it around and stomp on it. But you do. If you're coming around here to "love" me, take your shit else where.  aShLeIgHlYNnE Current Music: Lover's Spit by Broken Social Scene (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
12:10 pm	GOODNIGHT AND GO! I'm trying to figure out why people do some of the things they do. Why people just get up and leave  Without saying goodbye. I just don't have the answers. I try so hard to please everyone Keep everyone content but they let me down... Maybe I'm just getting it all wrong. Maybe I'm mentally dyslexic and have it all backwards. Man, I wish life could just be lived backwards.. Then you'd get heartbreak first.. And die, In love. Don't leave me, please. I need you here... Current Music: Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
4:01 pm	LISTEN TO MARS VOLTA. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
10:19 pm	BOYFRIEND APPLICATION. Copy and past, then email it back to me. gunsmokeshewrote_123@hotmail.com If you only have mean things to say, don't bother filling it out. I made this up myself!! Multiple Choice: What song would you sarranade me with? a. Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul Mccartney b. I Miss You by Incubus c. Superman by Eminem d. Curious by Bobby Valentino and Lil Wayne If we were dating and I accidently fell asleep at your house what would you do? a.Wake me up with a kiss b.Put a blanket over me c.Nothing, I would just let you lie there d.baby, you'd never fall alseep with the things i could do :P If we were dating and I called you at 3am because I wanted to talk to you, what would you do? A.Not answer the phone because you are tired B.Answer the phone with a attitude C.Answer the phone, talk for a little, then tell me you are really tired D.Start talking to me If you wanted to break up with me, how would you do it? a. beat around the bush b. tell me to my face c. over msn/the phone d. just cheat on me If you saw a guy talking to me, and he was a little bit too close, what would you do? a. kill him! b. tell him to back off his girl c. who cares? your girlfriend has the right to talk to other dudeszzz d. oh sorry, i was too busy talking to a nice lady myself QUESTIONS: Whats your name, age, and location? Do you drink/smoke? Do you like to party hard? or just get togethers? or NOT AT ALL? What do your hobbies incude? How many girlfriends have you had? What 3 things do you find the hottest about yourself ( inside or out!!!! )? What are your future goals for you life? If we started dating what do you hope to get out of this relationship? How many sexual parnters have you had ( OPTIONAL :) )? What type of music do u enjoy listening to? What type of girls do you usually go for? What kind of a relationship are you looking for? Short term, long term, some fun??? :):) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:43 pm	I would never put a paten on any form of sympathy because talk is cheap and words taste horrible to me. I will never be rich. I will never be pretty or innocent. but a long time ago, I was all and you loved me for that, did you not? I will never laugh so sweetly at your jokes that never made sense to me. Instead I will roll my eyes and say; “Here we go again” Something I’ve always wanted to say to you and secretly to your face. So blush and say sorry and I will pretend that it does not bother me. When everything you do, hurts.   Your words have floated up to the surface and I am reading between the lines. Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? to see that you’re the reason why I cry. and you said you’d catch my fall but you didn’t. You said you’d be there but you weren’t.   And this boy has a funny way of keeping me on the edge of my seat and for the first time, I really see him. But he doesn’t see me and he’s everything I could ask for he’s so perfect. A perfect form in a perfect place at a perfect time but I.. I am not.     My Last Words of [ Insecurity ]   I am nothing special. I’d like to say; ‘this too, shall pass’ But will it? Will I ever be anything to anyone? Will I ever be pretty to anyone? I will never have the place in the heart of someone so in love with me again. All I do is push people away. With shyness and silence.           P.S Everything in my journal is written by me. Anything that I post that is written by somebody else will have their name on it. I won’t be posting much of other people’s work since this is my journal but there are some lyrics. I would REALLY appreciate it, if you’d ask me before you steal my poems/words and label them your own. However, even if you do ask me, I will say no. So, get over it. Get a pen and a piece of paper, use your own fucking head, and learn to write. Everyone has it in them. Thank-you for your time. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 5th, 2006
2:51 pm	1111111111111111 I sleep walk through most of my days and I am waiting for someone to wake me up and whisper, sweetly in my ear; “shhh.. now..shh...it was all just a dream” And I will cry and they will restrain me and I will calm down because it’s all over now It’s all over... It’s all over... I’m always late. Late for everything and anything that is important or matters in life. And people have gotten tired of constantly having to wait. It gets awful tiresome waiting for someone to make up their mind. I want to find someone who will wait for me. Someone who will push aside my clumsiness and excuse the fact that I am not good with words. I have such a queer way of explaining myself and I want for someone to accept that but I am constantly giving forth so much of myself and getting so little in return. I want someone to love me for me. I was made a fool again but this time the shame is on me. I should have known he wasn’t worth a second glance. I need to try and make sense of the fact that there are no such things as happy endings because fairytale romances are only childhood illusions we carry with us till our older years because confrontation with reality frightens us. I need to understand that there is beauty in everything and stop believing so much in love because no matter how close I get to it, it’s all just an illusion. I wish I could understand my own theories, comprehend my own lessons, learn from my own mistakes but I am so horribly stubburn. I keep reaching for people that aren’t there, things that don’t exist, emotions that are all make-believe. When will I ever learn? How far does my heart have to break before I grow up and stop dreaming childhood happy endings? When will I ever learn? 3 AM Poetry “Love, Question mark” Tear these thoughts right out of my head say to me you love me you love me and I will simply bite my tongue and modestly whisper “of coarse, dear I am in love with you”  I am at great risk of heartbreak. I am happy. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
2:54 pm	You: You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done. I can barely look at you now. And I don't know how to be brave. Every word I'd like to say to you would just be false, mustered up courage because really I have so much to say and so little time to say it all. I know, I am too late. Whenever I am alone with you, you've got me collecting all the fragile reasons why I've fallen for you, but you just say they are flaws that are simply not worth my time. And all your friends, they're always calling your name but it's just not the same. Whatever happened to all that makes you happy? I've become so necsient to the saying "I just want to be friends" and the more you repeat yourself, the more I begin to see this is so normal for you. And I'd like to tell you she's real pretty but it is a nepotism I cannot confess because I want it to be my heart over hers. So many robust feelings I have for you everyday I am forced to fake. And the nights I spent with you complaining you were not mine Have become so clear and so postulate. Just friends. Allow me to conjure up the strength to tell you; I care, that I want more and more.. And you may just roll your eyes and say; "Such a sarcastic, rigmarole speech" but I will mean every word.   You don't need to give me an explanation. I know exactly what you mean. Finally it's become so clear to me. ( So I'll bite my lip in vain and end it quick with good riddance and a word of advice and I'll give up on my pride. I am only trying to be nice ) You've become someone I cannot comprehend, my friend. And we're at such a state of being young we've become so oblivious to the other's feelings. Do you see this too? My heart is held loosely in your hands and you're too vigorous to understand. No. You're right; Nothing's the same. I like to pretend my modesty charms you, but I see you don't fit as properly as you look. And I've been such a good citizen, as I have a friend but the circumstances are misplaced in the puzzle of time. I've been so naive.. So be unkind and reckless. I'll feel safer tomorrow. I will not be made a fool or a coward or a robot. I will admire in the shadows and not in public. Your face is so much more lovely when you understand that you don't know. Let's face it; this is never what you wanted. And she's beautiful. You both deserve each other's happiness and I will watch you change, unrecognizable friend. We'll be strangers as all start out but if I ever forget your laugh I am sure you'll remind me what it sounds like. Emptiness will drown in our conversations but at least I know you're satisfied. Oh, the things we do to hold in our tears; a deceptive appearance of happiness.   Your heart is cold but your vanity is distracting take my hand take my heart take my thoughts   your modesty is camouflaged you're taking all the boys up on every dare.   you've rolled the dice twice and you're keeping all the unlucky numbers.   "such cliches", you say you say you say. (Comment on this)
11:17 am	These Kids Are Deprived of REAL Music Download: Kimya Dawson M.I.A Morrissey Pretty Girls Make Graves The Morning After Girls Pharrell KT Tunstall Blood Brothers Broken Social Scene Metric Bloc Party Giant Drag Eazy E STOP FUCKING DOWNLOADING:  50 Cent Coheed and Cambria Mariah Carey The All American Rejects Pretty Good [ Mainstream Bands] Fall Out Boy City and Colour Death Cab For Cutie BrightEyes Arctic Monkeys NEVER download: Pussy Cat Dolls (Comment on this)
11:04 am	Anthems Of A Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back Can't you come back? Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me Park that car, drop that phone Park that car, drop that phone (dream about me) Park that car, drop that phone Park that car, drop that phone (dream about me) Park that car, drop that phone Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back (Comment on this)
10:59 am	(Comment on this)
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
7:04 am	I hate hate hate..when i allow the littlest things to ruin my day. like getting on my trampoline, right after it rains and my butt gets all wet. or my oreo slipping out of my hands and falling into my milk. freaking sucks. or.. when the guy you like says something so stupid, you think "well, wow..he's just an idiot." life sucks sometimes. doesnt it? you kinda just gotta deal.. Current Music: Eazy E- Boys In Tha Hood (Comment on this)
6:33 am	"You broke my heart, man. Oh, you didn't know?" All things in life that seem to be the most simple, turn out to be the most complicated. I never thought that I would be able to look myself in the eye everyday and tell myself these lies that I do. When I wake up in the morning somedays, I ask myself; Who are you going to be today, and for whom? It's because I don't know how to be true to myself. I don't know how to let people in and see the real me. I am so afraid of having my heart broken. My life just passing by.. It's been so long since I've showed who I really am. But life is complicated like that. No one ever really knows what they want or need in order to be fufilled and content in their days, their lives. I keep thinking it's so easy to just change, so easy to be happy. Except when you've no will left, you cannot very well help yourself and you damn sure will not succomb to anyone's efforts. Cold and lonely I know this is exactly how you feel When you try to see then you'll know; I never claimed  to hate you. Shout out Scream, if it's all you have left if it's what you really need. And on the other side of the world, I will hear you and laugh to myself and tell you; nothing lasts. when you're cold and lonely, baby: nothing lasts. Either I can live my life exactly how it was planned or I can keep breaking the rules; like I have been lately. I can either hurt now or hurt later. My heart occupies 80% of my mind.  It over powers my thoughts, so I am constantly doing what I think is best, but sometimes what's best isn't always the most logical. Therefore, I am constantly waking up lonely and disliking the person I am.. It's always such a momentary thing though, because my mind is constantly relying on other sources to make itself up. It is not good at making choices and is always concerned with matters of consequence. But never warns me till I make the frightening mistakes I do. If I were to suddenly go deaf and dumb  would people still speak to me with such lovely words in such a beautiful tone and would I still smile  and fall in love with "hello"? Current Music: Teenage Love Song by Rilo Kiley (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
11:10 am	They say I am the one who caused such a heartbreak but in Reality, all I do is think of him. ( I will never love another so sweetly ) No screams. No cries. No goodbyes. Just the horrible, lonely feeling of his absence. The heart doesn't always grow fonder, but mine did. It would burst with such sad secrets, if it was not writting them down. Thought of him keep coming into my mind throughout my day and I've realized it's because I have nothing else to hold so tightly onto. Nothing else but barely vivid memories of a non exsistant love to hold in my hands and in my heart. My heart that had once been so niave and so weak is now rarely bright. It escapes from any beauty of light because it is so afraid of heartbreak.  It is still chasing the past, the past it never really had. I don't even know myself anymore.  I never really did and today is not the right day to try. Why am I so wrapped up in my own pain? I wish I could just laugh at these words of mine.  That's what I want; I want to have an awful day, like the ones I've been having and think of them and smile even if my whole world is falling apart. I want to meet a stranger who loves life so much that he does not understand or even see my own pain. A stranger who falls in love with me because he has the slightest bit if hope that I will be content enough in my own skin and in my own heart to return the favor. But this stranger I have explained to you I am so envious of in my life right now. Someday I want to be like them. The people I am jealous of. The carefree livers of life whome appreciate everyday and do the best they can to savor every damn second and someday someday, I will. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
3:42 pm	a [sad ] unsent letter. my love: it's been so long. i've silenced myself until now. i miss you. ( i will say that so many times in this letter until you understand, you see ) no one ever loved me like you once did. no one ever made me smile so much. or filled my heart so full with such a love. no one ever taught me all those beautiful things about faith and friendship and laughter. i miss your laughter. i want to ask you "why not me?" but i know you'll only answer in short because you'll have a hard time explaining yourself you always did.. and i havent seen you in so long i fear i'm starting to forget the best parts of you that i once knew so well. that i might not ever know or understand again i miss you and i know that it is my fault that we are complete strangers now and nothing i could ever say will bring you back or bring us back to where we once were so beautiful and i was too blind and too afraid to just say so. 'cause that's one thing we both could agree on. please hear me out i really can understand if you say "i don't want to talk to you" i miss you. Current Music: silence. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
7:19 pm	about a boy i met a boy last night. he came to danielle's house to party with us. and he's really cute. and shy. and he listens to broken social scene and kanye west. and we talked about music and everything and got high. and i thought he was so cute. his name is pat. and he has a nice smile. AND HE'S FUNNY! FUNNY! yes! i love those funny guys. and he's tall... when i first saw him i thought he was emo. but he's not. he only listens to city and colour. sometimes. and he plays the keyboard. and the drums. <3 but i like being single. and love.. or anything close to it is such a scary concept. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
12:08 pm	somebody's gettin' on mah nervez! I get really tired of the same people. People just get on my nerves easily. And I'm too nice to tell them the truth. So I bite my tongue and thinking bitchy thoughts. Danielle dyed my hair today. I like it. I hope I don't look emo. Current Music: the g-g-g-ame bitches! (Comment on this)